I know. What Was I Thinking?

*dual post from my other blog*

After a difficult last week I took some time yesterday to do some soul searching.  I felt I needed to explore the reasons why my eating took a nose dive last week.  Why?  Because for the last six months I've been on and off this diet eating roller coaster.  I do great for a few weeks then completely fail for a week.
I have been blessed really.  At 5'6" and 152 lbs is not an awful weight to be at.  The key for me is that it is more than what I want to be and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin & that is so key for me.  I have great genes, my Mother is thin, my Grandmother is thin and really up until about a year and a half ago I could eat whatever I wanted and I never went above the 135 mark.
So for me it is a really big deal for me to say no to food when my entire life I have never had to.  On most days I'm do great and love the way I feel eating the "new" way.  Then there are days like last Wednesday.  Normally Wednesdays are days that I don't plan dinner for the entire family.  JMac is usually practicing, Sara works, Hunter & Garrett are at the respective ex's house, Kay usually has plans & Janie has class until 8pm that night.  So I went into last Wed. night with no eating plan.  Earlier in the day I had a few ideas in my head.  Something simple, maybe a turkey burger or even an egg sandwich.  However, last minute Jeff decides we should go out to eat because Sara was off work & Kay was home.  Which would have been fine, but I didn't take the time to research the menu where we were going to see what I could eat and still be on track plus I was starving.  Then Sara begins to throw her teen fit which stresses me out & I end up ordering a Southwest burger w/fries.  What was I thinking?
I knew the moment we walked out of the restaurant I had failed.  Not only did I feel bad, but my body felt bad.  I was already bloated and sleepy.  Then we had more issues with Sara & Kay was being completely grumpy which stressed me out so when JMac decided at 10pm to bake pizza rolls...I had some.  I know. What was I thinking?
Thursday didn't go much better.  More eating the wrong foods, more initially thinking oh I'll just have a little, more of me feeling not only emotionally bad, but physically bad.  My normal girls night out on Thursday even fell apart which threw off my eating plan for Thursday night (we usually go to this great little bistro/wine shop that has great low fat organic meals) and I ended up eating Papa Murphy's pizza.  Friday ended up being Culvers with G-Man.  Saturday was fine I made my menu plan which was Italian beef and I did great on my portion.  That was until we went to the movie and I had popcorn, with butter.  I know.  What was I thinking?
The key here is for me to explore why once I stumbled I just kept stumbling.  I've always known I was an emotional eater.  I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm stressed, I eat when I'm disappointed.  The only time I don't eat is when I'm extremely sad.  Lately I have been pretty happy about where my life is, but at the same time really stressed out with all the drama of the step kid issues, family dynamics, stressed with waiting up for a teen girl to actually make it home, etc. 
While I have found that running really really helps me deal with the stress issues it isn't practical for me to drive 20 minutes to the gym to run when I feel that stress level rise.  Yoga is great as well & that is something I can do, but I need something I can focus on when I'm out.  Like at dinner when my mind was racing with wishing Sara would speak louder than a whisper and not sit in a fetal position & I wish Kay could lighten up.  I am hoping to take some time this week to explore some ideas on finding something I can focus on when I feel those feelings. 
I've come to realize that if I don't find something then nothing I do will be a success with the weight loss.